The older I get the more I realize just how often things truly are not how they seem.
I remember the feeling in my gut. The feeling that told me I was in trouble. Things had been going okay with Cam, but we were growing distant. Spending less time together, going our separate ways. I still had a lot of feelings for Cam, but needed some time to figure out my own life, being only 18. I called Cam and asked I could come over. He agreed, and 2 hours later I was sitting on his bed, playing around on his laptop.

After about an hour of mindless conversation, I started to focus in on our relationship.
All this time, pondering in my head the right wording to use. How not to start a fight, and just tell him I want to take a break so we can both sort ourselves out. My mind was blank.

"We haven't been spending much time together lately" I tried.
"We've both been busy" he responded callously.
Crap.
He stares blankly at me, I can feel my hands perspire. I start to fidget with the bedding as he stares at me.
"I think," I start, but words fail me. Why am I so nervous?
"Hm?" Why does he seem so uninterested?
"I guess I just think it might be a good idea for us to take some time, you know... To ourselves." There. I said it. Got it out. Why am I holding my breath?
"Okay".
What? Really? That's all I get?
"Where do you want to go? I can't take much time off work." He looks at me as he speaks from across the bed, but still, I feel as though I barely have his attention.
"Cam, I want to take a break" I suddenly blurt out.
I finally breathe, where did that come from?
Nothing.
Silence.
I feel myself consciously counting the seconds. Awaiting his reply.
"No." He calmly states matter-of-factly, then quietly leaves the room without another word.

Now what? I feel tears building up inside me. No. Not now, not here. I take a few deep breaths and sign into my messaging account. Deans online. Perfect.
I type...
SOS
How did it go?
He said no.
What? What did you say exactly?
I said I wanted to take a break!!!!!
And he said no? Wtf?  
What do I do dean!!! I'm freaking out!!
Where is he now? What happened? 
He left. He said no... Then walked out of the room.
What? Tell him he doesn't get to say no. You want a break. You will call him when you want to talk. 
I'll try. G2g ttys.

I hear foot steps on the stairs. Crap. He doesn't sound happy. Double crap. I quickly sign out of the messenger, and close the lid of the laptop. I take a deep breath and prepare for the worst as the door opens.

He walks calmly to the bed and hands me a glass of water with ice. He sits beside me, and I fight the urge to scoot further from him.
"Cam," I start, but am cut off.
"Don't. We are going to work through this together. Don't worry about it. I'm not mad."
"No Cam, I want to take a break. I will call you when I'm ready." Breathe breathe breathe.
"No." Crap crap crap crap crap.

Just the Beginning

At 17 years old, it's hard to know what is good for you. I, like most 17 year olds, thought I was smarter than the rest. More cautious than the rest. Better educated and safer than the rest. I know the signs. I know what to look out for. I am smart.

At 17, I was happy. I hated high school like most 17 year olds, but I was good at it. I made honour roll every year. I skipped class and hung out at a friends house. I had a great group of friends. Then I got a boyfriend. He was sweet, and funny. Handsome and caring. Honest and interesting. I felt like I had everything I needed.

It feels like every time you start to feel comfortable, happy with your life, things start to go wrong. For me, things did go wrong, very wrong.

After a long bonfire everyone was winding down, people were heading home just as the fire slowly started easing back to just embers. Everyone was happy, on such a bright night, the sky dotted with bright shining stars. I snuggled up in a blanket with Cameron feeling warm and secure, saying goodnight as people slowly stumble away from the fire. Soon, it was just us. My eyes had just started to drift closed as I felt his hand run up my spine and slowly massage my neck. He leaned into my ear and whispered "I love the way the light from the fire reflects off your hair". My heart melts. He gently guides me to my feet after a few too many drinks for both of us. We head to the house to get warm and head to bed.

The next morning I awake to Cameron rummaging through a drawer, clearly agitated.
"What's wrong babe?" I ask, wondering what has him so agitated after such a calming night.
"Nothing" he mutters, never stopping to glance my way.
"Come back to bed" I urge.
"Not now!" He snaps, as he slams the drawer shut and storms out of the room. I'm left sitting in a near state of shock. What is his problem? I contemplate following him, but decide I need to get myself ready to go home and face the day.